Festivities and Fear
This had to be one of the most non-relaxing holidays I've had in all my years of being a carefree student, mostly because those carefree days were rushing to an end. I constantly had this weight resting on my chest, as if I was holding my breath, waiting for the new chapter to arrive. I want to share this, because I know everyone's been there, experienced the same recently or will experience it some day.
On the 31st of December I got up early and went for a morning run, all along the coast where we were on holiday. I woke up with a heavy heart, 'another year that you didn't reach your goals', the harsh part of me spoke to the insecure part of me. I arrived at a quiet part of the beach, found the most uncomfortable rock and decided to sit on it. The scenery was magical, the sun starting to beam through the clouds, shining on the water, the water almost reaching the rock I was sitting on.
Then it hit me, for the first time in a very long time, it hit me. GRACE. I felt a sense of peace that have not been known to me for quite a while. Not because it wasn't there, because I wasn't looking for it. I was engulfed in the fear of missing my mark and becoming just another average girl. I loathed in the pessimistic state I was in, and despite having completed my second degree and getting an amazing job, I was empty (and rather entitled). I felt so defeated for not having achieved my 'dreams', how dare I be 25 and not yet be a sports broadcaster or a very successful lawyer. How ridiculous am I? So God overwhelmed me with grace. Grace for myself, for not being where I want to be YET. Grace for forgiving myself and others. Grace for returning to Him, pretty much empty handed and empty hearted. Grace, love, favor. These words resounded with me eversince - constantly reminding me that I am favored to be the one crazy enough to go for her dreams AND reach them.
So I cried a little, prayed a lot, and left all that pettiness right there.
And right now, tired and overwhelmed by the best first two days of work, I'm just thankful that fear is no longer my master, and I am no longer its slave.
Let it go, let it go (I know you were singing that Frozen-style).